We changed our band’s name to We Are Not Babes in Toyland and embarked on a vineyard tour. I’m sure this was widely accepted as a good idea. It was through the vineyards when the van crashed and we lost our driver, a Muppet lizard named Leon.
You’d think he wouldn’t have been a good driver, being a Muppet, and also because he crashed our van, but I would argue both were patently true. The two or three muppeteers managing his upper body would cram into the space under the wheel and have cameras on him so they could see how their movements played, and maybe it could be argued that at least one camera should have been trained on the road, or one of them should have been sitting up and watching the road, or just driving because what was this Muppet thing anyway are you trying to be cute.
Look it up, I’m not cute, Leon was a Muppet lizard on the Jim Henson Hour in 1989 and if you have that specific visual this story works. Anyway we didn’t crash because he was a Muppet, we crashed because it was a vineyard tour and he was drunk on wine. The muppeteers tried to keep him off the sauce but it was like he had nothing else, no agency. It was like he was felt and plastic with bones in the form of hands crawling inside his ass.
As we pulled him from the wreckage we promised we’d love him forever and never forget him. We changed our band name to Jesus Lizard and wrote a lot more songs. Someday someone told us this would be a problem but we don’t care! We Are Punk Rock!
The van broke down again outside Detroit, which is what they called Pittsburgh in those days. We all gave up and got jobs, made families, died poor.